FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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