i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize