Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
NoShamevember. You game?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
