her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I'm like, not good at living.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
