I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
