i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
