she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
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