i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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