I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
