i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
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