I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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