First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
