I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
