Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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