My Higher Power is John Stamos
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
