please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
