Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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