Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
