Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
