screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize