I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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