Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Randomize
