I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
