you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
