I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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