at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
