i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
