Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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