ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
