I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Randomize
