Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
