My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
