I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
