are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
