She's JV to your varsity
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
