Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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