Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Randomize
