While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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