tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
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