Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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