my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize