broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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