There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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