Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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