Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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