Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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