I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
