now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
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