I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
