Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
