My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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