Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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