Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Randomize