and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Blood and glitter go together right?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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