EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
So vagazzling was a success
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
