I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
