He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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