I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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