i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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