I wish I only lived at night.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
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