u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
