And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
