U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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