I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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