I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
