apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
